Ode to the Blackwater Angel

An Ode to the Blackwater Angel

 

As one angels wings burned as she embraced the devil

The Blackwater Angel wrapped her wings around an acquaintance

In a compassionate embrace of understanding and empathy

In the darkness before dawn as a New Year’s seed is sown

She opened her heart to a lost soul.

Good genes, she loves and cares about family

Her grandfather had consoling words of wisdom as I was warmed by hot coffee and breakfast

The angel has helped others for years as they come for food and sustenance

And find so much more.

Her understanding comes from listening to others life travails, ups and downs.

She rules the roost holding a Country Diner and all who enter in her warm accepting embrace.

Wings lift mood and troubles and she has a smile and laugh that shine light on each day.

Never a complaint heard as she makes light of her own troubles and calls herself lucky when near disaster invades.

An angels astute observations given free on the days and events passing while keeping the diner running as she plays point guard in controlling the chaos and distributes food and smiles.

She is a natural actress in real time in real life happenings who accepts all and gives her all each day before she goes home to being a mother and close friend to others and family.

Never say that this Blackwater Angel is ‘just a waitress’ for she is so much more. Whenever I visit even when there is little time to say hello my green tea and ice water with lemon magically appears with a smile that lifts spirits and sets the tone for another good day.

This lost and found soul knows that he has been touched in big and little ways by her way of living each and every day. I hurt when I know that she hurts and hope to be considered a friend who cares about her welfare as so many do who have crossed paths and had her wings wrapped around them.. A country woman who is as warm as flannel on a cold day, empathetic, understanding, caring and a star of the diner

She is the Blackwater Angel

KMP 10/22/2015

Get 100% healthy for you give so much to others and we need your beautiful smiling face and laughter in our day for a long time to come….Thanks

A Fathers Love of his children is unconditional

Letter to Heidi on her Birthday

Written if not sent, felt if not touched, communicated if not received

Years ago you had a dream and though I did not know what was going on it was the start of your mother putting an end to my dreams of having loving, caring daughters as part of my life.

I reach out now because I have given up on waiting for you girls to realize that I never left but that I was threatened and forced away with no way to communicate and no due process to get my truth out to the light of day. I lost you because I was in the dream of an out of control thirteen year old girl who had acted out in multiple harmful behaviors after I was separated from your mother. I never wanted to leave our home. I left because your mother could not hear or see the real me. She was weak emotionally from a past which occurred long before I met her.

Heidi when you had your dream you were institutionalized. You were psychotic and put on medications immediately after I brought you to the hospital. You were anorexic and bulimic with ketones showing in your blood. The doctors said you were a couple of weeks from the chance of death. You had experimented with both illegal and prescription drugs and alcohol, and were acting out in many other destructive ways. After I left the house your mother did her best to keep us apart no matter how much I wished to keep a connection. In June I set up the apartment to stay close and have a place for you and your sisters to visit or stay over.

Your mother also kept me out of the loop and in the dark about you acting out in an unreasoned adolescence and abusive behavior. I only got clues and pieces when I started talking to Aerial after your mother had lost control and it was too late. All I could do was to bring you to appointments. It broke my heart. All of this was not fair to you or me and if I had any idea that all this would happen I would have stayed in the house to keep a connection to you girls alive and watch over you.

I firmly believe that my leaving followed by Heather a month later was the root cause of your problems. I also know from DSS reports that your mother had not told me about much of her past and had not dealt with it. As you girls reached the age when her problems began she started to transfer the feelings to our family. In her mind if it could happen to her and her sisters it could happen to you.

I fought as hard as I could when you had the dream to stop the legal threats and restraining orders which prevented me seeing you at your time of greatest need. It tore me up. I wanted so much to keep connection and communication alive. I have never done anything to hurt or harm you Heidi. I tried to teach you right from wrong but once you girls reached adolescence my voice was silenced and I could only set an example by being a good hardworking father who lived to help others and support you. I firmly believe that you needed a strong fathers influence to teach and communicate with. It has always been my dream to watch over and help you grow, learn, and find your way in life, to see you find joy and contentment. Unconditional love is what a father feels for his daughters. No matter what you did or went through I would have and will be there for you. Since I left the house my dream has been denied. I was made a scapegoat and victim of separation, divorce, and the unreasoned action of an emotionally damaged partner. I have never been listened to only shunned. I am so sorry for and hurt by what you had to go through. I wish I had been allowed to be there for you. To protect, console and guide you. You and your sisters are in my thoughts each day. Each day I miss you and am concerned for your welfare. It is not an easy world to grow up in and survive. A part of me will always be lost without you in my life.

I am proud of you. You have not only survived that unreasoned adolescence but moved on and restructured your life. I have learned from internet searches that you graduated with distinction in Criminal Justice from UMass Boston. I wish I could have been there. I have been forced to miss so many occasions and milestones in your life. I always think of you on your birthday with both joy and sadness. Joy at being the first to hold you and in watching you grow. Joy in remembering the good and simple days like driving you to preschool in Waltham and walking you to the bus stop at the Fulton School. A couple of weeks ago I went down to Falmouth for your great Aunt Paula’s funeral (grandma’s sister) and passed by the “Bay View Campground.” We camped there both as a family and with just you. We had time together and you wanted me to swim in all four pools and walk the whole campground. I teared up when I saw the sign in Bourne. It is difficult not having you in my life, it is my greatest tragedy and it is wrong. It never should have been this way and I only survived it because of a true love and relationship. I wish you could have seen a real loving, caring, true relationship growing up. I can only hope that you have found one.

I do not know if this letter will get to you. I hope and pray that this is not the end of hope but the beginning of a healing that only connection, communication and the truth can bring.

The Unconditional Love of your DAD always

Happy Birthday May 23, 2013

A Letter of love to my daughter on her Birthday

I have written this letter in my head a thousand times for it is either my last hope fulfilled or my lost hope forever. Rebecca you have never been forgotten and you are thought of and loved by me each day. In my minds’ eye you are the one who always tried your best to be a good daughter and steer clear of trouble. I believe that you wanted nothing to do with making a scapegoat and victim out of me. Yes, you and I were both innocent victims of the madness and dysfunction which occurred. I believe you have survived the trauma and built a new life for yourself. I am proud of you now as I have always been for you doing your best under trying circumstances. I am glad that I was able to say, ‘I love you” the last time I saw you.

I reached out to J in November 2010 with a letter. It is 100% the truth but she rejected it outright in a letter from her lawyer threatening me. However, you are my daughter and daughters are forever. I have enclosed a copy of a framed picture of me on a birthday celebrating with my girls. It is next to my desk with other photos which I look at each day. Rebecca the love I see in your eyes is the love I feel for you. It is wrong to let that love be chained and imprisoned by a dysfunctional disconnect. I was never allowed to communicate my truth. I was shunned and abandoned by a family I truly loved and love still.

Each night I still say, “good night I love you.” Each morning I awake to another day without you.
I take some soulace in having kept journals each year of our life together as a family. I have taken a few quotes from the pages,
Journal pg.17-“Our family, It is an absolute wonder watching the girls grow and being a part of it.” [The saddest part is all that I have missed seeing in your lives during these years apart.]

Journal pg.41-“Today is warm, could be 60°with a touch of spring. H and Rebecca are playing make believe with their little people. J is registering Rebecca for kindergarten. I will miss having Rebecca around the house during the day-she is a part of the sunshine of my life. I will savor watching them grow and try to appreciate each trying stage of their development. It only happens once for each of them.”

Journal pg.44 from Girls Bikes and the Park-“Rebecca made an artwork out of junk-she can see the beauty in everything.”
[I too try to see the beauty in life. I live on a lake and the nature of the place gives some comfort.]

Journal pg.63-Rebecca’s 5th Birthday-“I feel wonderful about it being Rebecca’s Birthday-she lights up my life.” [I have missed so many and do not want to miss anymore. I have a hard time on your birthdays but pray you are well and keep you in a special place in my heart.]

Journal pg.81-“Sunny and fair for Rebecca’s graduation from Sunshine Nursery School, we have her home for the summer.” [Congratulations on graduating from UMA with honors in Comparative Literature]

I am doing a lot better since writing the letter to J in November. I had to rebuild my life and move on or my spirit would have perished in depression over missing you and your sisters. I retired from the Fire Dept.early [there were too many reminders in our home town] and returned to University to study English Language, Literature and Creative Writing. I have always been interested in writing and also wished to experience what my girls were doing. Finishing school in 2010 led to a deepening of depression as years had gone by with none of you reaching out to me. In November I started volunteering at the Veterans Health Center during the week. Two or three nights a week I volunteer at a Music Hall in NH and get to see the shows for free. Music has always been a spiritual connection in my life. Volunteering helped me get through the worst of it.

Now on a cloudy, foggy and misty early spring day as the first fisherman casts a line where the lake ice has left the western shore I cast a hope into the new season. Just as with fishing I know not if the line will reach you and if it does if it will be taken. Luck and hope are common denominators. I pray you get the letter and consider my truth with the perspective of critical thinking that you used to get honors at UMA.
I Love You-Dad
daughters and a fathers love are forever